Sunday, May 28, 2006

Ain't Gonna Beg

Ain't gon' beg you to love me
Ain't gon' beg you to hold me
Ain't gon' beg you to pick me up and take me out
I ain't gonna beg you
Ain't gon' beg you to ice me (ice me)
Beg you to want me
Why should I have to when somebody else will?
-- Ain't Gonna Beg, Fantasia

You won't believe this shit.

I begged somebody. To do something for me.

Naw, I didn't get down on one knee, but I might as well have been, cuz I acquiesed my pride, covering his toilet seat with my humility...

...and begged that muthafucka.

I mean, looking back...I can the sheer DESPERATION of the moment.

But I'm more plagued at the thought that somebody else could

Do you know what the REAL cryin' shame was, Iron Eyes Cody?

He scoffed. At my request, that is.

Got to be a low point in the existence of a human being when they beg somebody for something to no avail.

I could have lived my whole life and died a painful death and not have put myself and my emotions through THAT one.

Feel. And then think.
Feel. And then think.
Feel. And then think.

That's some new other shit I've been on recently.

Some stupid shit, if I may say so myself. In what rocket science lab did I concoct that life-altering mantra?

When you get tired enough, you'll do something different. -- Big Sis

I'm pretty tired now.


I'm starting to sound like...

Not that I shouldn't have had a starring role on


Just extra. And I should know better. I mean...I do know better. But it's that

Feel. Think.
Feel. Think.

...shit I've been on.

No excuses though. I've been an irrational jerk lately, and I know it. I know it.

And while in retrospect, I can see that...

...I'm still experiencing the residual effect of the meeting of my irascibility with his refutations of inconsistency...


I'm left spent.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. -- Ice Cube


My remote trigger finger keeps landing on tearjerker movies.

Could it be the mood you're in, Nina?

First, I watched Ladder 49.

Cried my damn eyes out.

I know you're down, Nina. But when you gon' get up?

Then I watched Dad.

Completely fucked me up. Cuz you know how Nina is about her Papa-san.

The scene where Ted Danson's concern is met by the physician's indifference and he states

I'm taking my father home. You don't deserve to care for him...

...I was damn near on the floor on tears.

Reminds me of the times that Nina has had to act a fuckin' MONKEY at the hospital, in order to get someone to listen to what I had to say concerning my father's care.

How does a monkey act, Nina?

Ignorantly. Please believe me.

I have thrown things. I have slammed doors. I have cussed people out to the inth of their understanding.

...and I was justifiable in doing so.

Like the time they left my father sitting in a shitty diaper for an hour.

Nina, exhausted from a day at work, walks into the hospital room to find her main apple scrapple and horse even if he don't ever win no race, writhing in discomfort, and for the life of him, trying to hold back the tears...

...and the stench hit me next.

Me:Did you have an accident, Daddy?
Him: They...they gave me a laxative.
Me: *checking under the covers to see that they have a poorly constructed adult diaper on his behind*
Him: They haven't been back in here. I've...I've been calling them...

Before he could finish his sentence, I was out of the door and over at the nurse's station.

I stared at the head nurse, intently. She attempted to ignore me.

Bad move on her part.

I asked one time. I asked one time why my father had not been changed.

She responded that a nurse had just gone down to his room to change him.

I'm sure she wasn't prepared for the cascade of you're a liar's and what the fuck type of medical facility are you running here?'s and pardon my language, Doctor, but this doesn't make any GOTDAMN sense's and if he isn't attended to this very moment, you might need to call the police up in here's.

A stone cold monkey, I tell you.

That nigga there? That nigga is my heart. Every beat. Every pulse.

And I'll see you six feet under before I see one ounce of harm come to him in the face of your negligence and indifference.

Take it for what it's worth.

Spending the night with Pops to keep him company. He's walking around, and worrying me to death and wondering what the hell I'm typing on the computer...

...but glad that I'm here. I am too. Home is like...home is a safe place.

You know how Dracula sleeps and regenerates in sarchophagi lined with the soil of his homeland?

That's how I feel when I come home.

I remember how Mommy was hard on us intentionally, trying to prematurely mold women out of girls, in an effort that she'd live long enough to have an indelible enough affect on us that would last the duration of our lives.

And I remember how secure Daddy made us feel...never once failing to come through on something that he said he would do.

Can you imagine that?

I can't remember ONE time when he did not do what he said he would do, or failed to meet a need.

He might be on the phone and watching his favorite, Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, and trying to finish up the Federal Register of the Washington Post's Metro...

...and I'd scream from downstairs...

Daddy, don't forget to pick me up from practice tomorrow!

And somewhere around 4:15 pm, as I ran flat-footed down the main hallway towards the school's front door, I would start to second-guess myself

Did he hear me? I should called him before he left work to remind him!

...only to round the corner, and see the length of his silver Coupe de Ville through the huge plate-glass window.

Make your word your bond.

That's why I can't accept anything less than that. Blame him.

Why you gonna break your promise, baby?
Why you gonna break your promise to me?
-- Break Your Promise, Delfonics

I found this CD... the clearance stack at my favorite used CD/DVD jernt. I almost passed out.

This was my ALBUM the first time me and the middle sister got saved after Mommy died, and Daddy started his hoe'in campaign and the neighbor around the corner felt sorry for us and started carting us off to her Pentecostal church along with her family.

My fingers were trembling as I fumbled with the Search button, and I clicked

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...Track 9. Yeah!

Look what has happened to me
I find it hard to believe
His Love has taken my life
This far
Look what has happened to me
My mind can hardly conceive
What I'm beginning to be
Look what, look what...
-- Look What Has Happened, Amy Grant

Dude in the car next to me stared at me as I belted, unapologetically off-key out the window into the greater evilness of the world

Look what has happened
Look what, look what!

For a minute, Nina wanted to go to church.

I said for a second. The very shortest second imaginable, that is. ain't know that Nina is into Christian Pop?

Nina don't like all those verbal gymnastics, and greasy shellac'd-haired gospel mavens with the the fake Patti Labelle nails and sequined sausage wrappers they pour themselves into before going onto stage.

Nina don't like all that screaming.

Dottie Peoples makes my head hurt. And I don't like looking at her. Her hair bothers me.

Dottie's hair is quite disturbing.

Shirley Caesar...gotta love her. But that holy dance or Jesus jiggle, or whatever it is that she does. Man...I'm waiting for Shirley to fall and bust her ass one day. Fa real. I be watchin' the Stellar Awards for the intent and purpose to watch Shirley do the splits. I'm so sincere about that., too many gay people in gospel music. What's really going on with THAT? I mean...I know James Cleveland was the ORIGINAL QUEEN, but c'mon now...

You got niggas calling themselves To-nay, and spelling it Tonex...and they ministering to people.


Ok...let me stop being narrowminded for a second.

Well...not really. But in the event that I'm offending one of you muthafuckas, I want to prolong the disdain a bit.

Nina fucks with Amy Grant. Darlene Zschech. Angelo & Veronica.

Did I just say Nina fucks with...?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, Imma haveta come back to read this LOOOOONNNNGGGG azzz post. Enjoy your day, mama.


May 29, 2006 12:55 PM  
Anonymous o said...

So many things. Let's see if I can remember all the comments. First of all, you used irascible in a sentence. While that may seem normal to you, I assure you it is not. I rather enjoyed fumbling around the depths of my brain for that one and finally giving up instead to for my answer.

And no, us normal people do not remember that dracula lines his coffin with dirt from his homeland. Who has that knowledge on the ready?

Nina, I hope and pray that if I should ever have a girl she feels for me an ounce of what you feel for your pops. I felt like I was watching a tear-jerker readin' about it.

May 30, 2006 8:42 AM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

Damn...I never broke down and begged...if I could I'm not sure how it would affect me after the fact. I've built a part of my life of being able to say "I don't need...". That's real...

May 31, 2006 10:06 AM  
Anonymous C2A said...

Your dad sounds like a great dad. A good dad is unbeatable. You sound like a great daughter and I know he's glad he had raised you.

One thing to do is have someone at the hospital as much as possible. Take shifts. That has been what has worked for me. If the hospital staff know they are being monitored they do better. Ask them what their schedule is and keep them to it. Write down what medications and procedures they give and when they give it because they often forget.

June 08, 2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Xquizzyt1 said...

Begged, hmmph I'm sorry to say I've done it, in the past... like way back. Yep sure have. And you know, it seems people always beg the muthafucka they should get on their knees and thank Jesus that they THEMSELVES decided to do you the favor of getting the f*ck on by themselves. LOL UGGH... the good ones people seem to kick to the curb... the horrible ones get begged. Girl please know that never again will anything resembling a "beg" come out of my mouth. Get gone nigga. Holla. LOL

I'm so over the whole relationship thing. And maybe it's because soooo unlike you - I didn't grow up with a father or even a good father figure. That truly makes a difference... I could write a BOOK on the difference it makes.

It was good talking to you today mama!!!!! *waving*

June 09, 2006 12:59 AM  
Anonymous O said...

In the truly self absorbed fashion only possible from someone who blogs, I've come back to your site and have the nerve to be indignant about your lack of a posting since way back whenever you dug up that Fantasia photo. So, umm, get to it already!

As a matter of fack, I'ma need you to a) blog and b) create some sort of RSS thingee and send me a link for how to use it so I can at least be aware when you do update. See, cuz that's how this works. I am the masses. And the masses want some sort of a daggone update. Soooo, umm, Nina, what gives?

June 23, 2006 2:10 AM  
Anonymous eb0nie said...

Damn thats a break down and thorough analizaton of BEGGIN!lol

Im more partial to "If you dont want me then dont talk to me" then adding on the signature Fantasia YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHH. lol

Ill have to add you to my favs and came back and read the rest.

July 13, 2006 2:19 PM  

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