I Wish I Knew

How I wish you only knew
What I feel inside for you
Probably haven't got a clue
But I wish you knew
How I love you, baby... -- Mariah Carey

Not just love, but I wish I could convey sometimes the breadth and the depth of what I'm feeling.

And I'm an articulate muthafucka...

...but even I come up short on the illustrative texture of the emotions weaving through my mind. Through my heart. Through my soul.

The myriad of passionate colors and words that stream from my consciousness blind you. Confound the logical.

I just try to get 'em out whatever way I can, man.

I'm doing the best I can do here.

I can't fly through the air
Or perform a miracle task
But when you need more than a friend
Just ask...
I will give you strength
Enough to stand alone
So when the road gets rough
Yes, you'll be so very strong
And you will carry on... -- Switch

I snapped at Jay today.

Man, I know he's just trying to help and be a friend but I can't process under rapid fire.

The thoughts get all bottle-necked in my head, and I can't utilize one word of wisdom until I shut everything down and let word-by-word come through the door of my understanding.

I think I hurt his feelings a bit.

I hate looking weak in the eyes of my friends. Especially the ones who depend on my strength.

But damn...who can I run to?

All I want is affection
Baby please, no rejection... -- Tamara and the Seen

I had a friend tell me before that he hated rejection.

*blank stare*

WHO the fuck doesn't? Shit sucks on every major level that I can conceive.

But more than rejection, I hate rejection that you got to stare in the face.

Now you talk about some shit that'll make you nuts?

If that ain't the Prom Queen of hurt feelings, it's damn sure the 1st runner-up.

Perfect symmetry
I'm my destiny
Must invest in me
Or I'm just gonna be
Victim of circumstance
All is left to chance
How can I enhance?
I'm afraid to dance
I must break this trance
'Cause it's deafening
So I'm breathing in
I'm breathing in
Breathe to get control of me
I have to breathe
I have to be... -- I'll Die, Floetry

Fuck it.