I Wish I Knew

How I wish you only knew
What I feel inside for you
Probably haven't got a clue
But I wish you knew
How I love you, baby... -- Mariah Carey

Not just love, but I wish I could convey sometimes the breadth and the depth of what I'm feeling.

And I'm an articulate muthafucka...

...but even I come up short on the illustrative texture of the emotions weaving through my mind. Through my heart. Through my soul.

The myriad of passionate colors and words that stream from my consciousness blind you. Confound the logical.

I just try to get 'em out whatever way I can, man.

I'm doing the best I can do here.

I can't fly through the air
Or perform a miracle task
But when you need more than a friend
Just ask...
I will give you strength
Enough to stand alone
So when the road gets rough
Yes, you'll be so very strong
And you will carry on... -- Switch

I snapped at Jay today.

Man, I know he's just trying to help and be a friend but I can't process under rapid fire.

The thoughts get all bottle-necked in my head, and I can't utilize one word of wisdom until I shut everything down and let word-by-word come through the door of my understanding.

I think I hurt his feelings a bit.

I hate looking weak in the eyes of my friends. Especially the ones who depend on my strength.

But damn...who can I run to?

All I want is affection
Baby please, no rejection... -- Tamara and the Seen

I had a friend tell me before that he hated rejection.

*blank stare*

WHO the fuck doesn't? Shit sucks on every major level that I can conceive.

But more than rejection, I hate rejection that you got to stare in the face.

Now you talk about some shit that'll make you nuts?

If that ain't the Prom Queen of hurt feelings, it's damn sure the 1st runner-up.

Perfect symmetry
I'm my destiny
Must invest in me
Or I'm just gonna be
Victim of circumstance
All is left to chance
How can I enhance?
I'm afraid to dance
I must break this trance
'Cause it's deafening
So I'm breathing in
I'm breathing in
Breathe to get control of me
I have to breathe
I have to be... -- I'll Die, Floetry

Fuck it.

B'Day

No, dork, it's not my birthday.

I'm a Taurean, remember?

It's Bey's day, and whew...good lawd. Ya'll know I'm not a lesbian. I wouldn't care if the secret to immortality was up in some pussy. I ain't fi'n to venture up in a twat.

But if'n I was...

Bey would be that one.

Nina can give credit where it's due, and Bey's due her credit on this one.

That pound of dick that I hear Hov is known to slang done put some grown-ass-tivity up in her. Cuz she gets her W-O-M-A-N on this one, joe.

Fa real real, not for play play.

Check out Suga Mama, which I personally think she wrote for me cuz ya'll know how I like my slender tender, young bucks. Just listen to it...you'll understand what I mean.

Freakum Dress made me wanna go home and pull that shit out -- yeah, cuz she's right; every woman (that's worth her salt) has got one -- and go out and entice the savage beast in the first niggerole I walked up on.

Kitty Kat made me giggle cuz she actually said the word nookie. That's a Nina word. Crass. Vulgar. Wickedly delightful word that it is.

Green Light is slow at take off, but pounds!

Upgrade U...yummy.

I had not a fuckin' clue what she was talking about in Get Me Bodied, but gotdamnit, I'm gonna get my damn body bodied. Shit. Sounds like fun.

Deja Vu and Ring The Alarm you've heard, but their CD placements are perfect...they bounce in with their familiarity at just the right time.

And for you members of The Hate Foundation...before you even sound off.

Don't.

You know I'm the only one whose got an opinion around here that counts.

So eat me.

I'm out this bitch 'til Monday. Clean up after yourselves, and don't forget to wipe your mouth!

When Sly Calls

When Sly calls
It's tit for tat
When Sly calls
It's rat eat rat
The sky falls
The signal fades
I lock the door and shut the shades
And contemplate the crystal blue familiar funk I'm plunged into
When Sly calls... -- Michael Franks

I was talking to my best friend this weekend, and she had me cracking up about our old friend, Lisa. Good ole Lisa.

We've been friends since '81, and Lord knows, I love that girl.

But I can count on one hand the times that she has called and there wasn't something HORRIBLY wrong in her world.

I can count those times on one hand, and have three fingers left. Thumb not included.

I have never met someone so stimulated in the minutiae of the universe that it completely converts her personal orbit into a counterclockwise simulation, hurling her deeply into the abyss of...

Nothingness.

Mad cuz her brother-in-law turned on the television in her home's "Media Room."

His grown , 40+ ass was s'posed to ASK her first.

Don't touch that phone! Don't touch that phone!

She caused a major rift between our friendships back in the late '90's because she felt my best friend "bit" off of her hairstyle.

I mean, and this was some major shit to Lisa. She was doing round-robin calls all week...I'on know. In an attempt to get her to change her hair?

Still haven't figured that one out.

Don't touch that phone! Don't touch that phone!

Nowadays, she's bellyachin' about her girlfriend who is "copying" all of her home design ideas, and transforming her house into the Marlo's version of Lisa's very own palatial abode.

I mean...what can you say to shit like that?

I'm inclined to ask her if she's serious every time I talk to her. But she doesn't seem to appreciate my insouciance.

Oh well.

After the rain
The sun will shine again
After a cloudy day
Your heart...will find
A better place
A better space... -- Davina

It's apropos that's it's raining today.

I couldn't have imagined a more fitting backdrop.

I can't even cry, cuz yanno...what did you expect?

Did you really think that things would be different?

You can never show your vulnerability. Ever.

It leaves an indelible footprint on those who would seek to exploit it.

It only takes a half an hour to
Do something that you can't undo
It could change your world... -- Mint Condition

Nina can actually get ready to go ANYWHERE in an half hour now.

Now, you might not think that's much of an accomplishment, but you'on know Nina.

Nina couldn't get ready under an hour, hour & ten minutes to save her LIFE.

Between the hair, face, precise ironing, and moisturization...that shit was takin' time.

I stood in front of the mirror and had a little convo with myself recently. It went a little something like

Bitch, you only have one face
One ass
Some hair
Two feet
And you ain't that ashy
Stop bojanglin' and get your ass out the door

...and I listened.

30 minutes or less, I'm out the door now. Got the shit down to a science. And I don't skimp on flyness either. I still be fine.

But I'on feel like breaking my formula down right now.

This is your life
Not a game that you play
It's your life
And you're throwing it away... -- Norman Connors

Time to get serious.

They gotta go.



But I love them so.

You need to
Get up right now
And move with this
Yes..this...means...you -- Talib & Mos

I hear you.