Sunday, May 28, 2006

Ain't Gonna Beg

Ain't gon' beg you to love me
Ain't gon' beg you to hold me
Ain't gon' beg you to pick me up and take me out
I ain't gonna beg you
Ain't gon' beg you to ice me (ice me)
Beg you to want me
Why should I have to when somebody else will?
-- Ain't Gonna Beg, Fantasia

You won't believe this shit.

I begged somebody. To do something for me.

Naw, I didn't get down on one knee, but I might as well have been, cuz I acquiesed my pride, covering his toilet seat with my humility...

...and begged that muthafucka.

I mean, looking back...I can the sheer DESPERATION of the moment.

But I'm more plagued at the thought that somebody else could

Do you know what the REAL cryin' shame was, Iron Eyes Cody?

He scoffed. At my request, that is.

Got to be a low point in the existence of a human being when they beg somebody for something to no avail.

I could have lived my whole life and died a painful death and not have put myself and my emotions through THAT one.

Feel. And then think.
Feel. And then think.
Feel. And then think.

That's some new other shit I've been on recently.

Some stupid shit, if I may say so myself. In what rocket science lab did I concoct that life-altering mantra?

When you get tired enough, you'll do something different. -- Big Sis

I'm pretty tired now.


I'm starting to sound like...

Not that I shouldn't have had a starring role on


Just extra. And I should know better. I mean...I do know better. But it's that

Feel. Think.
Feel. Think.

...shit I've been on.

No excuses though. I've been an irrational jerk lately, and I know it. I know it.

And while in retrospect, I can see that...

...I'm still experiencing the residual effect of the meeting of my irascibility with his refutations of inconsistency...


I'm left spent.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. -- Ice Cube


My remote trigger finger keeps landing on tearjerker movies.

Could it be the mood you're in, Nina?

First, I watched Ladder 49.

Cried my damn eyes out.

I know you're down, Nina. But when you gon' get up?

Then I watched Dad.

Completely fucked me up. Cuz you know how Nina is about her Papa-san.

The scene where Ted Danson's concern is met by the physician's indifference and he states

I'm taking my father home. You don't deserve to care for him...

...I was damn near on the floor on tears.

Reminds me of the times that Nina has had to act a fuckin' MONKEY at the hospital, in order to get someone to listen to what I had to say concerning my father's care.

How does a monkey act, Nina?

Ignorantly. Please believe me.

I have thrown things. I have slammed doors. I have cussed people out to the inth of their understanding.

...and I was justifiable in doing so.

Like the time they left my father sitting in a shitty diaper for an hour.

Nina, exhausted from a day at work, walks into the hospital room to find her main apple scrapple and horse even if he don't ever win no race, writhing in discomfort, and for the life of him, trying to hold back the tears...

...and the stench hit me next.

Me:Did you have an accident, Daddy?
Him: They...they gave me a laxative.
Me: *checking under the covers to see that they have a poorly constructed adult diaper on his behind*
Him: They haven't been back in here. I've...I've been calling them...

Before he could finish his sentence, I was out of the door and over at the nurse's station.

I stared at the head nurse, intently. She attempted to ignore me.

Bad move on her part.

I asked one time. I asked one time why my father had not been changed.

She responded that a nurse had just gone down to his room to change him.

I'm sure she wasn't prepared for the cascade of you're a liar's and what the fuck type of medical facility are you running here?'s and pardon my language, Doctor, but this doesn't make any GOTDAMN sense's and if he isn't attended to this very moment, you might need to call the police up in here's.

A stone cold monkey, I tell you.

That nigga there? That nigga is my heart. Every beat. Every pulse.

And I'll see you six feet under before I see one ounce of harm come to him in the face of your negligence and indifference.

Take it for what it's worth.

Spending the night with Pops to keep him company. He's walking around, and worrying me to death and wondering what the hell I'm typing on the computer...

...but glad that I'm here. I am too. Home is like...home is a safe place.

You know how Dracula sleeps and regenerates in sarchophagi lined with the soil of his homeland?

That's how I feel when I come home.

I remember how Mommy was hard on us intentionally, trying to prematurely mold women out of girls, in an effort that she'd live long enough to have an indelible enough affect on us that would last the duration of our lives.

And I remember how secure Daddy made us feel...never once failing to come through on something that he said he would do.

Can you imagine that?

I can't remember ONE time when he did not do what he said he would do, or failed to meet a need.

He might be on the phone and watching his favorite, Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, and trying to finish up the Federal Register of the Washington Post's Metro...

...and I'd scream from downstairs...

Daddy, don't forget to pick me up from practice tomorrow!

And somewhere around 4:15 pm, as I ran flat-footed down the main hallway towards the school's front door, I would start to second-guess myself

Did he hear me? I should called him before he left work to remind him!

...only to round the corner, and see the length of his silver Coupe de Ville through the huge plate-glass window.

Make your word your bond.

That's why I can't accept anything less than that. Blame him.

Why you gonna break your promise, baby?
Why you gonna break your promise to me?
-- Break Your Promise, Delfonics

I found this CD... the clearance stack at my favorite used CD/DVD jernt. I almost passed out.

This was my ALBUM the first time me and the middle sister got saved after Mommy died, and Daddy started his hoe'in campaign and the neighbor around the corner felt sorry for us and started carting us off to her Pentecostal church along with her family.

My fingers were trembling as I fumbled with the Search button, and I clicked

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...Track 9. Yeah!

Look what has happened to me
I find it hard to believe
His Love has taken my life
This far
Look what has happened to me
My mind can hardly conceive
What I'm beginning to be
Look what, look what...
-- Look What Has Happened, Amy Grant

Dude in the car next to me stared at me as I belted, unapologetically off-key out the window into the greater evilness of the world

Look what has happened
Look what, look what!

For a minute, Nina wanted to go to church.

I said for a second. The very shortest second imaginable, that is. ain't know that Nina is into Christian Pop?

Nina don't like all those verbal gymnastics, and greasy shellac'd-haired gospel mavens with the the fake Patti Labelle nails and sequined sausage wrappers they pour themselves into before going onto stage.

Nina don't like all that screaming.

Dottie Peoples makes my head hurt. And I don't like looking at her. Her hair bothers me.

Dottie's hair is quite disturbing.

Shirley Caesar...gotta love her. But that holy dance or Jesus jiggle, or whatever it is that she does. Man...I'm waiting for Shirley to fall and bust her ass one day. Fa real. I be watchin' the Stellar Awards for the intent and purpose to watch Shirley do the splits. I'm so sincere about that., too many gay people in gospel music. What's really going on with THAT? I mean...I know James Cleveland was the ORIGINAL QUEEN, but c'mon now...

You got niggas calling themselves To-nay, and spelling it Tonex...and they ministering to people.


Ok...let me stop being narrowminded for a second.

Well...not really. But in the event that I'm offending one of you muthafuckas, I want to prolong the disdain a bit.

Nina fucks with Amy Grant. Darlene Zschech. Angelo & Veronica.

Did I just say Nina fucks with...?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

One More...For the Road!

RPM, I'm staying off of your page...for at least another week, damnit! But while I was still lurking, I saw this...and thought, good. 1, 2, 3 entries for the long weekend where I won't have time or opportunity to write anything. So here goes. Cuz I can.

Accent: Typical D.C. accent. Southern-Northern Nigganese.

Booze: I'm a real simple girl. Hennessey, MGD, and Goose.

Chore I Hate: Cleaning out my car. Ugh.

Dogs/Cats: Dogs

Essential Electronics: A television.

Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Escada's Tropical Punch.

Gold/Silver: Gold.

Hometown: D.C.

Insomnia: Constantly.

Job Title(s): Ne'er Do Well

Kids: Nope

Living Arrangements: *in my Celine Dion voice*!

Most Admired Trait: My knowledge of trivia.

Number of Sexual Partners: Hee hee. I can still remember all of them, I'll tell you that much.

Overnight Hospital Stays: Two. One overnight. One, for two weeks.

Phobia: Heights. UGH!

Quote: If there were no God, the only thing worthy to worship would be Woman. -- Honorable Louis Farrakhan

Religion: Uh uh. I believe in the existence of the Christ, though.

Siblings: Three sisters.

Time I usually wake up: 7:00 am

Unusual Talent: I can think better than most people.

Vegetable I refuse to eat: I love vegetables, but jicama and it's tasteless ass comes pretty close. Eating it is just...futile.

Worst Habit: Chewing on my nails.

X-Rays: Ugh. I've had every x-ray known to man.

Yummy Foods I Make: My sweet potato pie and pineapple-coconut cake are legendary.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus. The Bull.

Cuz I Need To...

I copped this from RPM's page...a passive-aggressive cathartic exercise cloaked in a meme. goes. Cuz I need to.

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. If you knew, you should have told me. Don't hide behind your husband.
2. I never liked fucking you.
3. You're not going to have anything left for a wife, the way you treat these damn hoes.
4. Can it be about me for just one minute? Damn.
5. Now you'll never know.
6. God, you're dumb. Who dates you?
7. I miss him too.
8. I feel violated when you look at me.
9. Every time I remember how you treated me, I find a new reason to hate you. And I'm not even the hating kind.
10. I've been forthright with you. So don't ask me.


Squeeze You

But it's the last time I'm ever gonna say it to you
Although you've heard it before
Still it's the last time I'm ever gonna say it to you
and it's something that you should know
I wanna hold you, squeeze ya
Tell you that I care
Even though I'm a liar
I wanna hold you, squeeze ya
Wrap my lips around you
And never let you go...
- Squeeze You, Vinx

Richard Pryor said once, when commenting upon the demise of his marriage, how at one point, all they had was sex...and the sex was synergizing enough to keep the fragments of their relationship niggarigged as if by chicken wire until they could get to a place...of peace.

I read that somewhere. Can't recall where.

Wasn't until I was older that I understood it.

You lean on the strongest aspect of your connection, until the other parts can heal, and like a scab, fall off to reveal a new and fresh rendering of "I love you" and "I love you too, boo"'s.

And mean that shit.


Cause everybody needs someone to love
And I know that it's true
And I know that it's you
I don't understand
Why you can't be my man
So I've gotta wake up
Stop living in a dream
Yes I've gotta wake up
Cause I can't lose the love I never had...
-- The Love I Never Had, Mary J. Blige

The irony of that is making me giggle.

My cynicism is perverse, as it ridicules my sentimentality.

You actin' like a little bitch right about now! -- O Dog, Menace II Society


Sweet caress and tender mouth
Kissed her breast, and then he found, he found
Forty days and forty nights, before this day
Said that she would always be the man, until she found herself
... - Lounge, Esthero

That seared through me.

Did you write that for me?

I'm out for presidents to represent me (get money)
I'm out for presidents to represent me (get money)
I'm out for dead fuckin' presidents to represent me...
- Dead Presidents II, Jigga

I need a side hustle like nobody's business, and some of yourn.

My co-worker braids hair after work, and on the weekends, and shorty doesn't even have touch her check. Imagine that. The shit I could accumulate.

Cuz you know that's always in the corner of a Taurean's mind. We COLLECT shit. No...not like a hoarder.

Not like a packrat. I don't hold onto unnecessary stuff.

I have compulsion that *twitch* beckons me to buy things in *gulp* two's.

So I don't run out of shit.

And imagine how many sets of two's I could accumulate with some mo' money.

They shoulda neva gave you niggas money! -- Dave Chappelle

You know I continue to be disturbed by women who wear every piece of jewelry that they own at one given time. Rings on every finger, and rows and rows of 10K chain bracelets, groping around your so. I don't know.

Poor looking.

Do better.

Mmmm Mmmm...You know Joe Rogan, this isn't the first time I've tasted penis, I've had several in my line of work, you taste penises all the time. Cocaines a hell of a drug.

That muthafucka KILLS me! Ya heard? Oh my word...

I needed that.

Hazy skies this weekend, to go with my mood.

There's a time of the day
When the sun is going down
That's the golden time of day...
-- Golden Time of Day, Frankie Beverly & Maze

I was smoking a jack, at the stop sign, and flicked an ash out of the window. My eyes rose to catch this middle-aged fuck grinnin' in my face through his car window. He mouthed something.


I could make out, I said hello.

Girl I know you don't need a man
Another heartache relationship
I just wanna make sure, that you
Are never lonely, (Oh)
Girl I know, you don't need a man (Oh no)
Another heartache relationship (Oh no)
I just wanna make sure, that you
Are never lonely...
-- Never Lonely, Bobby Valentino

I waved. And rolled my eyes.


If that isn't demonstrative of my natural duplicity, I'on know what is.

That's why your ass is alone now! -- Daddy


*blank stare*

I'm a mess right now I can't eat can't sleep
Bills are piling high ain't worked in three weeks
Ain't bathed can't shave cause my heart is so tender like living in a blender
I'm shaken and I'm stirred...
-- I'm A Mess, Anthony Hamilton

In most instances, you would never know by lookin' at my prissy ass that I'm going through something. My eyes tell it, but after a good outlining with my liquid eyeliner, 3 coats of mascara, and a couple of swirls of shadow...they hold their secrets tighter than a sissy with a bag of dicks.

Again, it's that Taurean shit.

The vanity that my superficiality revolves around.

Just like my sister. Even as a drug addict, she never sold any of her shit. How many crack heads you know have T.V.'s and VCRs and leather furniture and designer clothes?

Vain bitch.

I feel her though.

Nassau's gone funky
Nassau's gone soul
We've got a doggone beat
We're gonna call our very own...
-- Funky Nassau, The Beginning of the End

The horns prop me up on their notes! Hear those timbales?

*winding down to the floor*

I used to drive my co-worker C R A Z Y by putting that song on repeat and playing it for hours.

I almost made her 'Hovah 'Ness ass cuss at me.

That's the type of shit that I do. Cuz I can.

Listen to your heart
Your heart is never wrong
Always face the truth
Your heart won't lead you on...
-- Listen to Your Heart, Frank McComb

My heart musta been whispering. Because I couldn't hear it.

Tired of thinking about this shit. I'm going to think about it again at 5:30. Smoke me a cigarette, and call it a night on this shit.

Don't wanna think about this anymore.

I should buy me something!

These are so fuckin' nasty. Damn.

I should buy myself those!

Yes! Yes.

These onion rings are SAYING something to me.

Someone by your side
When things aren't going right
Someone to be your friend
Through thick and through thin...
-- Devotion, Ten City

I've always said I preferred it to love.

Come on, baby (Make it alright)
Oh, baby (Say it's alright)
Would you baby
And I'll be alright if I could only see you baby...
-- Baby, Anita Baker


Mach speed. And it'll be Tuesday. And then I can take a breath cuz Tuesday is going to tell me without saying it that I made it through to the other side of this immediate devastation.

And Tuesday. It'll be alright.

Get here.

Sometimes I think that we're the reason why
Ya'll be stressing out and smoking cigarettes...
-- Heart of A Woman, R. Kelly

30 jacks to go...a long night.

Random as hell, this is. I know, but bear with me. My thoughts are riding solo from my senses today, with a tank full and no road map.

So if you don't you know!

You really fit the bill
The first day of April
And now I know that deep inside my heart
You're gonna play the biggest part in my love debut...
-- 365, Teena Marie

I can hear Tracy's fingers snapping to the beat...this was her song. Her favorite off of the It Must Be Magic album.

Lady Tee was the lyricist to our teenage angst, and she gave words to the thoughts that we hadn't experienced in any another manifestation but our minds...

You are the seed and the grain of every harvest
planted in love by a being far beyond this
What can it be?
Such a sweet yet painful feeling
Came over me
Knowing this
Can never be
Do I love you?
Yes indeed...
-- Yes Indeed, Teena Marie

...was my favorite.

In my youth, I knew it without knowing it.

Telle est ma vie...

Ever watching. Ever wanting.

Never having.

You can go your own way
Go your own way...
-- Fleetwood Mac

You can't hear that song and not imagine how badly Lindsay wanted to choke slam the fuck out of Stevie for not wanting to be with him. I mean...his words bottleneck up on him a few times, and he just pushes them out at the foot of a curdled bellow...

You got it? Go turn it on.

Even when she joins him in the second verse, you can hear the homicidal tendency of the harmony.

Shit is jive funny to me though.

Oh. Don't act like I didn't tell you about my perverse sense of humor.

I'm ca-rude.

Uh-huh. And laughing at someone else's pain sure does take the load off of my Hurt-o-meter right about now.

Ok...last call for alcohol at Nina's Pity Party!

You ain't gotta be happy, but you gotta get the fuck out of here.


Monday, May 08, 2006

drama, love, and 'lationships

It's not about who's right or who's wrong
It's not about who's weaker or who's strong
It's not about who's innocent or who's fault
It aint really bout that kinda thing at all
It's not about who does it or done it or did it to who
Don't matter if the both of you lose
It's really not bout nothing excpet for me and you girl
-- Babyface

It's ironic that my last entry was on Valentine's Day...a salty ode to lovers world 'round.

It was shortly thereafter that my dysfunctional, yet seemingly solid house of cards dismantled.

Funny thing, is that I knew we were on life support.

But you know how it is when you love something, the way you knew it to me, but not in the current state that it is...'s hard to pull that plug.

Long story short, caught the fat fucker in a lie, and I hemmed his false ass up.

Told him, I was through with the yo-yo dating shit that we had perfected over the years.

Guess he believes me now.

It's all 'bout drama and love and 'lationships
And when the going gets tough you deal with it
And you dont ever, you never walk away from it
You hold be strong
It's about drama and trust and making it
If your somebody messed up you dig it in
Dont let nobody come between you, you just stay with it
You hold on and be strong
And hold on, yes you do...
-- Babyface


Walk is what I did. Limping a bit, but struttin' none the less.

I'm pissed, but only because I lost a good friend because of this. No...not his ass. My ace boon coon. The person who introduced us to one another. Somehow, in her ineffectual effort to stay OUT of the fray, she landed in the middle and her loyalty got compromised.

I'm not past that part yet.

We'll see.

At any ironic that I poured salt on your Godiva Chocolates, only to have mine PISSED on soon thereafter!

Nina don't stay down for long though.

As fate would have it, a fresh new wind blew in, opening my windows and doors with opportunity and passion and light...

I'm digging it...98% of the time.

Is it just infatuation
Or is it real love?
-- Infatuation, Jamie Foxx

One moment, I'm smitten. The next, I'm smoldering.

The tumultousness has alternatively turned me on and turned me off like a short in a light switch.

I probably need some time to let the rawness of my emotions subside before I get involved...

...but he's like a flame, and I'm a moth.


Can I get closer
Just let me touch your hand
Can I be more than
A friend, and be your man
Can I get closer
Just let me touch your hand
Can I be more than just a friend
I know you want me for your man...
-- Closer, Lathun

I'd like to have just three days of peace.

No thoughts swirling around in my brain.

No physical pain.

No emotional twitches.

Calm chaos. Blue pinks. Cool warmth.

This poor heart of mine
Still feel I can find
A love to call my own
I gave him good love
Made him feel like a man
Now I need someone new
And I want someone like
-- Rescue Me, Teedra Moses

Best case scenario.